‘Mantšali Phakoana
Nine-year-old *Lipolelo’s world is defined by fear and anxiety.
She has been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The sound of raised voices triggers memories of the violence and terror she experienced as a child.
She recalls all the days her parents used to fight and quarrel. PTSD is a psychiatric disorder that may occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event, series of events or set of circumstances.
An individual may experience this as emotionally or physically harmful or life-threatening and may affect mental, physical, social, and or spiritual well-being. Examples include natural disasters, serious accidents, terrorist acts, war or combat, rape or sexual assault, historical trauma, intimate partner violence and bullying.
Since the age of three, Lipolelo’s home was a place of terror, a battlefield where violence and abuse were common. Now, years later, she is still struggling to make sense of what happened and heal from the trauma.
Lipolelo struggles to trust adults and often withdraws from social situations. She has difficulty concentrating in class and often experiences anxiety and panic attacks. She is often absent-minded and easily irritable to people around her. Even playing with other kids becomes difficult since she is often anxious and on edge.
The terrified child pushed her mother out of an abusive marriage where she believed it was important to stay for the sake of a child.
Lipolelo was born into a happy family in 2015. Her sorrows only begun in 2018 when her father started beating her mother in her presence. She was young, and the parents believed she would not be affected by their actions.
“We got married in 2014 and everything was fine. In 2015, our child was born and she grew up in a happy family. Things took a turn for the worse in 2018 when her father started beating and shouting at me every time he got home.
“Whether he was drunk or sober, he would beat me in the presence of my daughter and then force me to have sex with him while I was crying. I lived with the pain for two years. As she started making sense of the violence, my daughter would scream when she saw me cry. When she saw bruises on my face, she would ask who beat me. It was a painful experience.
“The sound of her last scream will never be erased from my memory. She would scream: ‘mummy run’. It hurt me so much that I decided to file for divorce in 2020. Our divorce was finalised and I am now staying with my daughter and mother but she still has not healed,” says *Marethabile (36) of Thaba-Tseka.
She says when she started noticing unusual behaviour from her daughter, she seemed scared all the time. Her heart would always beat too fast and her muscles looked tense.
According to the mother, Lipolelo constantly grinds her teeth and has trouble in sleeping. She often has nightmares and does not want to leave the house. She also avoids other kids.
“Her behaviour changed. I was worried. I took her to Thaba-Tseka Health Centre where I was told she had blocked bold vessels. They gave us medication and recommended a psychologist. We started counselling sessions but only managed to attend twice because of lack of funds,” she said, further pleading for physiological support for her daughter.
She says her daughter does not trust anyone around her anymore, including her own parents. Lipolelo’s single mother and grandmother are trying their best to help her overcome trauma.
Lipolelo’s father, *Leboea, is only realising the effects of abuse on her child now that they are separated. Although he does not live with Lipolelo full-time, he has noticed the strange behaviour too.
However, he fails to accept that his actions of quarrelling and beating his wife in the presence of their daughter has had an effect in the child’s development and education.
He blames the mother for turning his daughter against him. He also believes the child does not have post-traumatic disorder but has been brainwashed.
“My daughter loves me and can never at any point fear me. The only problem is that I don’t spend time with her because her mother is denying me access. The last time I saw her in 2022, she seemed fine and happy to see me.
“Her behaviour changed when she saw her mother coming near us, she became agitated and uncomfortable. Her mother won’t allow me to spend a moment with my daughter. Yes, I used to shout and beat her but I did that only when our daughter was sleeping.
“I have even stopped providing for her because I feel like it is a waste of time to do so for a child I am not even allowed to see. I haven’t even visited her for a long time because every time I go to her grandmother’s house, I am treated like a criminal. They act as if I do not have a right to see my daughter. It pains me and her too. I believe she is suffering,” he said.
Dr Lisemelo Leseli, a child psychologist at Motebang Hospital says childhood trauma can have a profound effect on a child’s development.
She points out that it is important for divorced or separated parents to work on the development of their children and put their differences aside without jeopardising the children’s growth.
Dr Leseli also notes that frequent quarrels between parents can result in a strained relationship with their child, especially when they are pulled into the argument and made to take sides.
Children at times pick sides on who is correct and who is not and hence may develop feelings of dislike or communication gap with the parent he or she holds as responsible for the conflicts.
“The pressure to take sides can also cause emotional stress and anger for the child. It’s not just a matter of getting over it or moving on. It’s a process of healing and rebuilding, and it takes time and patience.
“Parents usually blame each other for the negative consequences, but don’t seek professional help. Because of the stigma attached people avoid meeting a mental health professional. But it is important for parents also to undergo such processes especially in a divorce where children are involved,” she adds.
Marriage and relationship counsellor, Dr Mohatonyane Masena warns that when one parent shares their emotional problems or grievances against the other partner with the child, it is natural for the child to get biased.
“The child doesn’t get the chance to hear the other side of the story. If one parent is spending more time and interacting more with the child, the inclination will be more towards that parent.
“Couples should not think twice before approaching a counsellor if frequent conflicts with a partner are creating a toxic environment at home,” he says.
“It is usually advisable to seek professional help in the initial stages of a marriage or relationship or when the conflicts arise rather than ignoring the issues. Delay will lead to the piling up of issues and may become difficult to resolve,” he warned.
Without assistance from therapists, Masena says, children who witness the violence not only for a parent are more likely to continue the cycle of violence themselves, perhaps even committing or becoming victims of homicide.
Complicating the problem is the fact children seldom talk about the horrors they have witnessed.
In response to concerns regarding all forms of violence against children and youth, the Ministry of Social Development and ICAP at Columbia University, in collaboration with the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) through the President’s Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief (PEPFAR), conducted a national survey to determine the magnitude of violence against children.
The study assessed the epidemiologic patterns of risk factors for violence in order to develop more targeted and informed prevention programmes and policy initiatives.
It revealed that even sleeping babies can sense their parents’ bickering and show increased levels of stress when they hear angry voices.
Studies have shown parents’ arguments can prove more damaging to a child’s mental health than their separation or divorce.
According to a study conducted by the University of Sussex in the UK and the Early Intervention Foundation, children’s exposure to conflict between parents can put their long-term mental health and life chances at risk.
Studies have also shown that stress during childhood can also expose them to diseases in adulthood like diabetes, heart problems, low immunity and asthma.
Parental discord can cause severe emotional damage to the child who witnesses such quarrels on a regular basis. The more severe and serious the nature of arguments, the more serious is the emotional turmoil inside the child.
“Children exposed to regular conflicts between parents develop behavioural, emotional and adjustment problems. They often vent out their repressed feelings of fear, anger and sadness in the form of bullying others, being aggressive and stubborn, disobedient, fearful and so on.
“Some children may also develop anti-social and criminal behaviours such as bunking school, disregard for rights of others, lying, stealing, cheating, addictions to alcohol, gambling, excessive social networking, excessive involvements with friends, staying outside home excessively and eve-teasing,” it reads.
According to a 2023 report by the United Nations Children’s Fund (UNICEF), globally, over 250 million children and adolescents struggle with mental health conditions, many currently undiagnosed and untreated.
The report indicates that half of all mental health conditions emerge before the age of 14, and early onset in childhood or adolescence of conditions such as anxiety (generalised anxiety disorder), PTSD, and depression is associated with worse lifetime outcomes.
UNICEF says taking action to promote and treat mental health and psychosocial well-being is essential to improve downstream impacts on education and future economic outcomes.
The organisation further notes that there is a need to strengthen cooperation around children’s rights and the needs of adolescents and youth in Lesotho.
The government and development partners would benefit from a much deeper dive into understanding how to build better partnerships for smart planning, problem solving and innovation to accelerate results for children, adolescent and youth when it comes to addressing violence and exploitation of children and harmful practices, it points out. (*Not their real names).
